More bittersweet musings…

I hate uncertainty. “Fear of the unknown” should be my middle name. Right now we’re in the midst of a hurricane that’s traveling up the coast of North Carolina straight up to New York. The city I live in has not been dramatically affected at all at this point and yet I am beyond curious as to whether it will be. What would a hurricane feel like? Will our house be damaged? Will our homeowner’s insurance cover anything or will they consider it an “act of God” and leave us to our own devices? So many questions…

It’s not just this though that has me feeling a bit melancholy today… it’s all of the unknown. For something that’s not even here yet, it sure feels heavy nonetheless. One of my friends often tells me how much she admires my calm in the midst of so much change and so many questions. If only she knew what was going on inside of me!

I like to have a plan and feel prepared. I made my husband fill up the bathtub today with water because according to our native North Carolinian friends, you can use the water from the tub to flush the toilet if all the power and everything goes out. Such a foreign concept to me. But like I said, it’s good to be prepared.

In terms of our future though, it’s not as easy as filing up the bathtub and making sure our candles and flashlights are easily accessible. There’s only so much we can do. And the rest is up to other people and circumstances and God. I don’t like giving up the power! I try and I try to keep it all for myself in fact but the truth is, it only ends up hurting me and the people I love.

I get stressed out easily and frustrated. Last night Jake was joking around and I would have nothing of it. I don’t like the person I can be sometimes… when I am uneasy and uncertain… to maintain a sense of control I lash out.

I’m trying to relax and enjoy the ride more. So what if there’s a hurricane. It’s a new adventure. (I don’t want to see people hurt of course or for people’s property to be damaged). But there are a lot of people out there who are not getting bent out of shape about it. So what if I don’t know where I am going to be living in a few years. The world is my oyster right?

Wait. Patience. Trust. Just as the fear and uncertainty of moving across country eventually dissipated and turned into an exciting adventure, so will the next chapter of our lives. And whether I accept that now or not, it will happen.

Remain open. That’s my mantra right now. Don’t worry about not having all the answers. The One who is trustworthy, loving, all-knowing and kind has it all figured it. He’s got the whole world in His hands.

Comments

  1. He most certainly does! And that is the most important thing to remember in life. Thanks for the reminder!

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